First off, I would like to apologize for my absence. The last 2 months I needed to heal and reflect on some personal dilemmas , and it took me a while to collect my thoughts and get back to exploring, and in general, peopling.
I toyed with the idea of publicly submitting this, however, being this an adventure page and a mom blog- I figured it would be a decent opportunity to reach other individuals who may be experiencing a similar situation- because a mental health journey is an uphill adventure in itself- and hopefully someone who reads this realizes it's okay to seek help and the more mental health is talked about, the more it become destigmatized.
To preface, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type 2 with severe depressive disorder, roughly 8 years ago, in addition to an anxiety disorder & ADHD, and more recently a PTSD diagnosis. Before that, there where signs of emotional disorders, however, it wasn't until I was an adult that I was able to get a concrete diagnosis. With that being said, I have been on mood stabilizers for the last 5 years and they have saved my life. I thought that I would be able to withstand the grapples of Bipolar without medication, but after an attempted unaliving that has left me with injuries I am still healing from, medication became a saving grace. This isn't to say it was a cure-all, a lot of therapy and supportive family and friends have gone a long way in my journey.
Fast forward to how this all plays into my recent absence, and overall the creation of this page.
In 2020 I fell pregnant with my son Leo, the mood stabilizer I was on, lamotrigine, was relatively safe; with the exception of an increased risk for a birth defect called a clef pallet/ lip. This was a concern through my pregnancy and I was ordered extra tests during this time to monitor the development of said birth defect. Fortunately, he was not born with this- he did enter the world however, extremely traumatically: in summary, he was a shoulder dystocia baby, and ended up breaking his collarbone, and my pubic bone. TMI but it is important to the story.
Add in post partum depression and anxiety to my already neuro-divergent brain, and you get a hurricane of problems.
Alas, about 6 months postpartum things start to level out and I'm starting to fully enjoy motherhood.... Then at 8 months postpartum I found out I was pregnant. It was February 14th, 2022 that I found out I was expecting again, and I was completely terrified. I was sure I would be one and done after the emotional, and physical, rollercoaster that I went through with my first.
I had a REALLY hard time accepting this pregnancy and didn't fully accept it really until
my daughter was born in October. Now 5 months in, and I can absolutely say with certain I am beyond happy that she is here and my son and her have such a wonderful bond. BUT, my pregnancy was hell.
Because I moved from New Jersey to Pennsylvania, my psychologist and psychiatrist could no longer do telehealth due to licensing issues- and traveling to appointments was difficult. So I was in search of a new set of mental health help in Pennsylvania. And as anyone who ever tries to get help knows, there is AT LEAST a 2 month waiting list (usually longer), and a whole plethora of hoops to jump through. I had a therapist lined up who ended up cancelling on me multiple times, one that I just didn't fit with, and I became exhausted trying to find someone... So I ended up going off my lamotrigine at the start of my pregnancy without management. I didn't want to risk my baby having health issues because of my medication. As the pregnancy continued I became increasingly depressed. And about a week before my daughter was born I went to the hospital for help due to suicidal ideations. They decided to put me on Zoloft and send me home that day, with pamphlets to therapist. To which I called, and lon behold. A 2+ month waiting list.
My daughter was born a week later via C-Section to reduce the risk of complications that I had with my first. However, my pregnancy with my daughter Luna, was terrible. I developed gestational diabetes during the end of my second trimester, and preeclampsia during the last few weeks. The hospital staff treated me like cattle and always messed up my chart. They were supposed to do a Tubal ligation during my C-section, but alas, they forgot. I ended back in the hospital a week later due to postpartum preeclampsia, my blood pressure was extremely high and I was about to go into a seizure, I was put on a magnesium drip for 24 hours and had to be separated from my newborn for 3 days.
Enter in again post partum depression and anxiety, and another round of birth trauma. Reminder, they put me on Zoloft around the second week of October. Which for those who don't know, its an Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI). This means it elevates the mood of a person who is depressed. A short term solution for those with Bipolar Disorder. Someone with Bipolar can take Zoloft, but it is highly recommended to be managed by a psychiatrist accompanied with a mood stabilizer. Which neither I had.
Que the hypo-manic episode. Which started December 23, 2022. I know the exact date because one can look back on my Amazon statement and visually see.... I wont go into detail on how much I spend during this episode. But it wasn't financially advisable. I had not known I was in a manic episode until about a month in (around the end of January). I felt like I couldn't breath some times due to my stress and high anxiety. My thoughts were going a million miles a minute. I was getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night and falling asleep was HARD. My baby was sleeping better then me. Now, due to not sleeping and being hypomanic, I went into a state of high irritability, and negative thinking, as well as reckless behavior. I was not the mom, wife, or individual I wanted to be. I ended up googling the medication I was taking and finding out it is not really recommended to those with Bipolar, especially without a mood stabilizer. So, I stopped taking it. Again without guidance of a professional, which I actually had a psychologist appointment 2 weeks from that point (I was waiting for 2 months mind you).
Within that 2 week span I rapid cycled and went into a catatonic state. I knew I needed help, and I checked myself into a mental health long term facility. Psych- ward if you will.
I was hospitalized once before, when I was 16, for suicidal ideations; and I really didn't want to be in that situation again. However, I needed to get myself in check to be the mom I needed to be for my kids. I needed to for my husband. And especially, for myself. I had to remind myself that a mom who is getting help is better then a dead mom who tries to do it alone.
I went into the hospital thinking the worst, and I came out a much better individual. I was put back on my mood stabilizer, I went to many group therapies and learned a lot about boundaries and how to deal with my anxiety. I met some of the most genuine and amazing patients at the hospital. If you're reading this and you were in there with me, know that you guys made the experience memorable and are a large part in my healing adventure. I was there for a week. It was difficult leaving my family. But a much needed experience for myself, and for those in my life.
Since getting out and back on my medication, life has been more positive. I still have to keep myself in check, and make sure I am monitored with my medication, and go to therapy; but I know now that I wasn't that person 2 months ago. I was sick and given the wrong care. But since getting the right treatment, I will be able to manage it.
I will say, the worst part of this experience, was realizing that this disease will never go away. I can manage it with medication, therapy, and support. But this is something I will have to live with, and fight, for the rest of my life. I explained it to one of my friends who understands bipolar at a personal level: that bipolar is like the Marvel Character Venom. When Peter Parker is without the suit he is calm, content, and able to be rational. When the Venom suit takes over, he becomes this danger seeking, vigilante that has this cocky attitude. Then when he takes it off, he feels exhausted, unmotivated, and distant from friends and family.
Now that I have had the time to collect myself and steer my journey in a positive direction, I am able to get back out and adventure; with my kids, my husband, friends, and overall myself. There will be bumps and curves ahead, but as long as I have my support system, and my willingness to keep going, everything will be alright. I share my story not for anyone to feel sorry for me; I have been fighting this for as long as I can remember- I am telling it so maybe one person who is struggling can get the help they need- and understand getting help isn't a loss. Its a step towards fighing your demons. Keep on fighting and don't let them take over, your worth so much more then the negative thoughts your mind tricks you.
Please reach out if you ever need to talk; don't be afraid to talk about this stuff. It needs to be destigmatized, more people then you know deal with mental health and bottle it up until it is too late. And those who look down on people who struggle, they are not worth your time. Do not be afraid to seek professional help- yes- the system is broken and its difficult to find someone, but keep trying. Never give up, and if you feel completely at loss, go to the hospital. It may seem scary, but it could end up being the healing journey you need.
Suicide Hotline: 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Since getting better I have been getting involved in my hobbies again and making sure to take time for myself. Being a mom, and the default person, can be taxing. I love my family so so much, but I will lose myself if I do not do my hobbies. I have been going back to Martial Arts and the gym, sewing, playing with my circuit machine, getting more involved with my medieval hobby, and overall adding to this adventure page.
Check out my website store for updates on new merch that I am making- all proceeds go to my family and I <3
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